UPDATE! This post is more detailed how to get over the fear of approaching. The original (this) is more like theory and my story of getting over it.
Gaining confidence is simple but not easy. You’ve probably already heard this, but it’s this kind of cycle: you do something -> you succeed -> you acquire bit of confidence -> you do it again with better result due to earlier gained confidence -> you succeed even more and get more confidence.
This is something that I remember was taught on school, but I never believed on that crap and applied it. Like giving a presentation in front of class, how would kid full of insecurity get a success by failing completely in front of class speaking with shaky voice, sweating and hands shaking like crazy. I never did. All it did just made it worse, failing made me more paranoid and insecure for next presentation.
So how can this be applied to dating and breaking the social anxiety?
You try breaking it and just fail after fail. Will this make it worse? No. This is were you need to get idgf attitude. Now you might be confused and thinking wtf I’m talking about. First saying success and gain confidence or fail and lose it, and now saying just have a right mindset.
The key is to extract fails and only focus on success. Easier said than done. I’ll tell you first how I did it, from shy and insecure kid to social butterfly . It should start off babysteps, even I personally skipped that part.
When I started to get into this, self-improvement stuff and getting rid of shyness, I went on sober and alone to nightclubs, approaching straight as big as group of five girls. Of course I didn’t get anywhere, talking to them with redden face and almost shitting on my pants. That would be called a fail, and it should had lowered my confidence even more, but it didn’t. I had attitude that I knew I was going to fail, but there was a little chance of success, so I wasn’t afraid to there and do it. Also I know that going out od my comfort zone was only way to expand my comfort zone. Comfort -> more confidence. The more comfortable I feel at the moment, the more confident I’m.
I had a goal. Goal was to break my shyness. It wasn’t first getting laid back then, it was just develop social skills so they would later help me with girls. Building my new person from little pieces, like Rome wasn’t built in day.
Why I got confidence off this and not from the presentation on classes? Motivation. I would have got the same mentality on presentations and not give a f#@! about fails, just focus on getting better. But I didn’t have motivation on that back then. For losing my virginity, finding a girlfriend, getting laid. That what I wanted, and had huge motivation to do anything to acquire them. So I did everything to achieve this goal. That gave me attitude of not giving a f@#k.
When you know that doing something enough will got you there, you’re more likely have motivation to do that and stop giving a f@#k. So the formula resets again.
Motivation->not give a f@#k-> do =>fail or success => success grants confidence, fails are not cared -> repeat and gain confidence.
The motivation is the main core of this all. To get motivated for this, my favorite quote is :
“When you have lost everything, you have nothing to lose”
I was 19 years old back then, with zero experience with girls. And I knew it wouldn’t get better by doing nothing, so I got this mentality to go and try. Not giving f#@!s about fails and others. Like wtf it would change for me if I went talk to woman and got rejected and some group of random strangers near would saw that. They wont care if I approached or not. And even if they would laugh on me because of the rejection, wtf then? No matter, I probably wouldn’t see any of them ever again. But there was zero chance of getting laid if I would’ve been too afraid of going there. So which one I chose: to be made fun of? or probably getting laid? Easy answer the later.
Same goes for rejection. If she brutally rejects me (which will happen for everyone in some point when doing this stuff), I just don’t give a f@#k and go for next one. Whatever the reason for rejection was, either she wasn’t attracted to me, had boyfriend who she’s loyal to, was on her period etc. no need to over analyze it. Just go on next one if it would go somewhere.
This went probably little off topic, had to write this much earlier on this post, bit I had lot talk about. For babysteps, after I didn’t get success by going alone on clubs sober on the beginning of my journey, I started to do daygame aka approaching girls on streets, shopping malls etc. (Back then wasn’t Tinder and I didn’t know about online dating). Daygame back then was waste of time for me. I went back on my progress, started with babysteps, even I had already put myself a far more off my comfort zone by going sober and alone on clubs. So the babysteps didn’t do much for me. The comfort zone was already expanded. I had threw myself straight to the fire. But if I wouldn’t have done that clubbing, the babysteps would definitely helped me a lot.
This is how I did it back then, until I got frustrated of no success and went back to nightgame. (Later it all clicked and I learned how to get laid easily).
- Say hi to every strangers that walks past you
- try to have small talk with strangers
- approach girls who are alone, try to get their phonenumber after a smalltalk
- approach a group of girls, same as above
Will write later a more detailed info about this. But anyway, my approach anxiety went zero after this all, but I still hadn’t success yet. What this did to my social anxiety and shyness, I really didn’t feel anymore uncomfortable on social situations after this. I actually started to like them and being confident on interactions.
The point is, pushing yourself limits and out of comfort zone to the social situations, forcing to talk, will develop your social skills and that way build confidence. It doesn’t have to be like I had, going alone clubs and going straight on hardcore mode.
Also, for the end of this post, I will give a tip that may help with social anxiety if you have zero thoughts about how to keep small talk: Avoid answering questions with one word. Answer with statements or with questions. Try to be the last on who is keeping the conversation flowing. More about that on this post.
That’s it. Gaining a confidence wont be easy to build. And not quickly, like said above the Rome quote about not build on one day. Little by little putting yourself out there you surely will succeed at some point and get more confidence. Mentality like idgf is hard to teach for someone, probably impossible. You need to find out about it by yourself by going out there. All I can give is motivation. I did it, the most shy person you can imagine, to get over shyness and get girls. And the motivation is the main core of all this.